Thoughts on Breastfeeding

Warning: This is really stream-of-consciousness, but it is an issue that is really close to my heart... so here it is.

Apparently, last week was World Breastfeeding Week. Friday was the last day that Ella breastfed. She is 15 1/2 months old. I'm a little sad, but I think that it is close to time.

It's funny-- I was certain that by a year I would wean her and we would be done-- a year being the amount of time recommended for breastfeeding-- but a year came and went, and neither of us were ready. She still eagerly asked for "yum yum" (I know that to you it may be a really retarded and possibly creepy name for breastfeeding, but I think it is kind of cute) and I was still breastfeeding her 2 or 3 times a day, so I felt like it was not the right time to wean. Also, I had talked to my mom, and she encouraged me to continue-- there really was no reason to wean.

By 15 1/2 months, I'd narrowed it down to one feeding. I promised Jason that I wouldn't breastfeed her longer than 18 months (October).

As I write, my chest feels like it is going to explode.

It is strange for me to write this post. I never knew how controversial breastfeeding was until I became a "lactivist."

When my sister was born, I was almost six years old. My mom breastfed her until she was almost two. I remember aloud "Blubber" to my breastfeeding mom after my sister was born. At first, I think I felt a little weird about seeing my mom's breasts, but it became a fact of life in our household. It was matter-of-fact. The baby was hungry.

In the mid to late seventies when my mom had my brother and myself, she breastfed us-- I am learning now that she was somewhat of an anomaly. She would be what today is coined a "crunchy mama." Jason was not breastfed-- his mom told me that in her circles, it was just not done-- formula-feeding was a given.

As I began to think about motherhood, I never thought about formula. Breastfeeding was just a given. God made breasts to lactate. For goodness' sake, people, it's free!

When Ella was born, she was whisked away due to swallowing meconium during delivery. She was observed for about an hour and then returned to us, and I believe the nurses asked me if I planned to breastfeed. I said, "yes," and then they demanded that I breastfeed her. "Do you know what to do?" I was asked. I had just given birth. I was tired and overwhelmed. I just remember asking for my mama. My mom was whisked in, and she helped me get Ella to latch on. It felt kind of like what I imagine a leech doing when it discovers human skin after floating in murky water. Very suctiony.

As I was trying to get her to latch on, the on-call pediatrician came in to look her over. He was so sweet-- he averted his eyes and tried to give me privacy as I fed Ella for the first time, and allowed me to continue breastfeeding as he looked her over for the first time. (Although I didn't care because by that time my mother, several nurses, and my OB-GYN had seen everything about me that there was to see-- but the thought was nice.)

It wasn't easy. I was tired, but I had to feed her. I remember so many nights waking up in a panic because I forgot that I had put her back in her bassinet after nursing her. I was soooooooo tired. My breasta felt incredibly sore the first few weeks. I slathered lanocil on them after every feeding, and gingerly peeled nursing pads from them when she began to root.

I became a human pacifier for a few weeks. This was what I would call a "stretching experience." I was a servant to my baby's needs. For awhile I resented it-- my needs were not #1 anymore. It was really hard for me. There were a lot of tearful phone calls to the 903 area code.

But it was completely worth it. Ella has been so healthy. A few minor colds and two bouts with diarrhea. It forced me to be still. It allowed me to be her comfort. It was an exercise for my spirit.

I wrote the above paragraphs because I want to communicate that I completely understand that if you don't have a lot of support or an "expert" nearby, I can see why it would be easy to throw up your hands. I think having a lot of information and support is crucial. Formula feeding is something I never thought about, but it was kind of tempting when I was exhausted and baffled.

Now, I can't describe what nursing has been for us. I think it is a time for Ella to relax and just be. To find simple comfort in her mama. To be nourished. To know that mama is there of her.

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I can't imagine someone being offended by a photo of a breastfeeding woman, but here it is:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060804/od_afp/afplifestyleussocialbreastfeeding

I'm sorry. I can't comprehend this. I think most men (who aren't the daddies of the breastfeeding baby in question) don't see a breastfeeding breast as attractive or titillating (sorry for the slight pun). How can you watch a rated R or PG-13 movie with female nudity without being offended and then see a cover of a non-nipple bearing breast and get your underwear in a wad?

We are part of a small group in our church and several of the women breastfeed during the discussion. It's encouraged-- it's okay. I think that is beautiful. I think that acknowledges breastfeeding as a non-sexual, completely appropriate thing to do.

If you are offended by the cover of the above-mentioned magazine, please explain your rationale to me. I don't understand it. I just don't.

Breastfeeding is feeding. It's meeting a need.

As for me-- I've always been hyperconscious of offending people. If possible, I would breastfeed Ella in the car or in a back bedroom. I would try so hard to feed her before an outing so she wouldn't be hungry. But I have to be honest-- it really pisses me off that feeding my baby offends people. I shouldn't be stressed out that my child is starting to get hungry and there is nowhere for me to feed her in private because the general public will die of a heart attack because they see my daughter attached to my breast.

I think with my next child, I will be less hypersensitive. I will feed my baby (discreetly) if she's hungry, but if it is in public, deal with it. So, Barbara Walters, if we share a flight, watch out. I might whip it out. And you'll just have to deal.

I'm baffled by our culture.

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Thoughts on breastfeeding and working:

If you are pumping and working, my hat is off to you. That is really hard.

I worked through my pregnacy, and towards the end of my maternity leave, I tendered my resignation. When my maternity leave was over, I only had to work for 4 days. Those 4 days were really hard. I had to pump during the day in a conference room. Pumping totally sucks-- especially when you have a jillion things waiting for you while you are anxiously waiting for let-down in a conference room next to another conference room where there is a "serious teleconference" underway and you can hear said "serious teleconference" through the thin walls, and are very aware that the said "serious teleconference" can hear the barbaric whir of your Medela breastpump extracting your precious breastmilk whilst serious things are being discussed.

I'm pretty sure I would have had a nervous breakdown if I had to pump much longer than my meager 4 days.

So, I am pretty amazed if you are exclusively breastfeeding and working.

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Also, I have to say, hats off to my brother and sister. I have to say, it was probably weird for them to see their sister whipping out (very discreetly, of course) her breast.

But they were totally cool about it. They would hang out with me while I breastfed Ella and talk. That was really great. I felt like I was part of the conversation and not behind "the curtain." I struggled with feeling a little isolated at the beginning of my pregnancy, but my brother and sister's complete acceptance of my breastfeeding and hanging out with me during the feedings made me really happy.

So thanks, guys.

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Those are my thoughts-- a little ragged, I know.

Breastfeeding is a hot topic.

I choose to breastfeed. I acknowledge that it isn't easy, but I think it is completely worth it.